"I Want to Be the Very Worst"
I decided it was a time for a celebration as the announcement of Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire found its way to my ears. What better way to welcome the new than to play the old? I loaded up the ol' GameBoy Advance, and because I beat Sapphire ages ago, I started to play Pokémon Ruby.
The rules for my playthrough are simple: try to beat the game with only one Pokémon. I can evolve it, but catching anything else can only occur if I have absolutely no other choice. I know my attempt will be nearly impossible as I progress through the game, but it is something I feel future me can deal with, though it might be much easier than I think.
So It Begins
As the new professor Birch introduces himself and the world of Pokémon, I can't help but notice his appearance. Shorts, sandals, and an unbuttoned lab coat. I conclude a hipster has found the keys to the lab. Despite this, I plan to take him seriously. Without any warning, he asks me the most terrifying and difficult question I have ever been asked by a hipster professor - am I a boy or girl? Oh, the possibilities! If I choose to be a girl, I can make a feminine name, my rival will be a guy, and sexism throughout the Pokémon world will affect my character's mental health. If I choose a boy, I simply can't beat my rival because I will assume the boy has a crush on his same age, same interests, girl neighbor. And, I will have to let her win. It's just courtesy! So, the choice seems logical.
You're goddamn right.
Lampy, the new girl, arrives in Littleroot Town. As predicted, sexism is already noticed as I am shipped to my new house with the rest of the family belongings in the back of a truck. My mother appears to have already known that it would be a long and uncomfortable ride back there. She then guides me to our new home where I will almost certainly never be again. Inside, the moving company's Machoke are moving and cleaning the new house (It seems Hoenn has yet to set equal rights or abolish slavery). Aching for adventure, I get through the nonsense and rush outside. I meet my only boring neighbors: my rival who I assume has a crush on me, and three homeless people wandering about town.
Seeing everything there is to see, I try to escape my little town. I run into the hipster professor, who is playing tag with a wild Poochyena (and losing, might I add).
Believe me, I tried...
I stand there switching between the hipster's Pokéballs, thinking which one would suit me best for my journey. I can't really remember which gyms come first, what kinds of Pokémon I might be facing, or how it will do later on. After a good five minutes of thinking, I finally grab Mudkip and help the dying hipster, who I suppose has been getting mauled by the rabid pooch for the past five minutes. My first battle ends anti-climactically as I Tackle the Poochyena to death. The hipster, after a long and dreadful dialogue, lets me keep the Mudkip and sends me on a quest. As for the quest, I will completely ignore it and catch zero Pokémon on my way toward beating the Elite Four and becoming a Pokémon Master. Mudkip seems to be the perfect choice for this endeavor.
I leave the dreadful Littleroot Town and embark on my own quest. As I reached a little place called Oldale Town, I think, how did that moving truck even make it to Littleroot Town in the first place? There are no roads whatsoever, and most of the route I took is filled with cliffs and tall grass. As this appears to be a normal thing around Hoenn, it must have taken flight to and from town by attaching several Pidgey to the roof.
Oldale is another small town - only one building larger than my own. With several battles under my belt, I heal my Mudkip and go find that rival (and future husband) of mine. I find him staring at some trees talking about how many Pokémon he has found already. As I approach him, he immediately wants to battle, and as I suspected, he lets me win. Either that, or he dealt no damage on accident. He gives me money for winning because there also seems to be a gambling problem in this region.
I'm not so sure how I feel about this.
He ditches me in the woods to run home to his dad. What a gentleman. When I finally arrive in Littleroot Town again, I receive my Pokédex from the hipster, who (also) might have a crush on me. My rival lets me know that “if I find any cool Pokémon, you bet I'll try to get them with Pokéballs.”
You bet I won't.
I then get some Pokéballs as a gift and get sent away again to explore. My first piece of business is to sell all of the Pokéballs I just received, as well as the one I found along the way for cash. No need for Pokéballs for a trainer who doesn't want to catch anything. I use the gained money to fill by bag with Potions and Antidotes. Looking west, my eyes fill with wonder thinking about what great adventures I'll see and all of Pokémon I won't catch. But, that awe quickly turned to mild frustration as I came to realize the biggest flaw in my plan - HM01: Cut.
Guess I should have picked that flaming chicken or that badass gecko dude, after all. Stay tuned to relive the wonders of Pokémon Ruby, and all of the frustrations that come with it!
- Howard
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