For me, it’s this tiny-winged, closed-eyed, sack of uselessness.
Dunsparce.
Look at its smug little face. It just screams, "punch me."
I hate this thing. I hate it so much. Every time I see it, I just want to throw my system against a wall and smash it into oblivion. My rage knows no bounds. If it were possible, I’d hunt down every Dunsparce and Tackle them into nonexistence.
Why?
It’s not that it’s terribly useless – J, our Webmaster, told me a pretty awesome way to use it, actually. Using its Serene Grace ability with Headbutt and Glare, it can do a pseudo para-flinch strategy similar to Togekiss (yet nowhere near as useful). In the right hands, and the right situation, really any Pokémon can be good, after all.
My hatred for this thing is almost entirely based around a misconception – my mistake, one I made when I was still a pretty fresh-faced trainer…
It all began…
Gold and Silver had just came out, so of course I spent all my time playing it. Like always, I was hooked. Couldn’t put my Game Boy down.
Like the dumb little snot I was, I went into the aptly-named “Dark Cave” without Flash. Why? Well, partly because I thought it’d be cool to make it through the cave without Flash, as if it’d give me bragging rights rather than brand me a loser with waaaayyyyy too much time on his hands (this was before the golden age of walkthroughs and a readily-accessible Internet, and back when needing Flash meant that only the player sprite and the exit were illuminated). Another part, though, was wanting to see as many of the cool new Pokémon as possible. I hadn’t been following any leaks, so they were virtually all new to me.
Then it happened. The screen flashed, the music played, and a wild encounter occurred. My first Dunsparce.
My first thought was “this is so cool!” Being a stupid little child, I was blown away by its then-unique design. I hadn’t seen anything like it, and had no idea what it could be, what it might evolve into, what moves it could use, or even what type it was. For a bit, I seriously thought that it was a Dragon type, and if I trained it enough it’d be really worth it.
So I caught it. I saw that it was a Normal type, but I wasn’t too disappointed. Pokémon can change type when they evolve, you know? I trained it – or tried to. It sucked. It was constantly fainting and it wouldn’t do any kind of significant damage. This was before I really knew anything about strategy – I just wanted cool looking Pokémon that were also insanely powerful, and this thing was neither. It was alright, though. I thought, maybe it’ll evolve into something really cool…
But it never evolved.
I was so angry. I felt I had been misled. Somehow, the game got into my mind and convinced me that Dunsparce would be a worthwhile investment, that it’d evolve into some ultra-cool Dragon type behemoth that’d be able to take down the Elite Four single-handedly.
In truth, Dunsparce hadn’t done anything wrong. I saw it, jumped to a wildly ridiculous conclusion, and gotten mad when it didn’t pan out. And I held that grudge every day since.
…and here we are today.
I absolutely love X and Y. Some of the new Pokémon aren’t great or cool, but once they hit 700 they can be forgiven for not all being winners.
Now imagine my reaction when one of the first Pokémon I see in this brand new adventure is a goddamn DUNSPARCE.
Route 3, level 5. And, due to my insane need to “catch ‘em all,” I caught it. I nicknamed it Sh!t, threw it in my PC, and left it there, destined to be forgotten.
I gave a sad, dying old man a piece of trash.
In Anistar City, there’s an old man. He’s saddened by the loss of his wife of however many years, and lives completely alone in a large house. He asks you, the player, to maybe give him one of your Pokémon, preferably level 5 or lower, as a sort of companion to keep him company in his final days. You’d pretty much have to be heartless to turn him down.
I opened up my PC and looked in Box 1, which had all my lower-levelled Pokémon. In an admittedly lame attempt to justify what I did next, I’ll say that I’m pretty sure most of my Pokémon were level 6 or higher, and that I maybe had two or three that were level 5 or lower.
First one I saw? My Dunsparce. My Sh!t.
It worked. The guy wanted a companion, and I hated this thing with a passion that would make Vegeta from DragonballZ want to give Frieza a hug. Everybody wins.
Except now, this old, dying man was given a useless little monster with as vulgar a nickname as the current game censors would allow. And you can’t change the name of a Pokémon you got in a trade.
Sometime later, you can go back to the house and it’ll be empty. You’ll find a Pokéball with a note next to it. It’s from the old man, thanking you for giving him your Pokémon.
When my girlfriend found out, she was so pissed at me. She gave him a Flabébe or something cute like that so he’d have a real friend. I gave him a stupid-looking, flat snake with wings and a drill for a tail named Sh!t that’s sole use was digging holes.
Hell, he probably had it dig his grave.
So, there you have it. There’s the story behind my irrational, blinding hatred of all Dunsparce that nobody really asked for. Why do you hate your least favorite Pokémon? Be sure to let us know!
- Azathoth
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